I feel so useless and helpless. I want to do something meaningful. I feel like if I even tried to accomplish something I would fail and continue to feel worthless and BLEEEAAAGGGGGHHHH. That is the best word I could find for it, though I did search for about half a second through my vast vocabulary. I haven’t felt like this in a while. Like the things that used to make me enjoy existence are just out of my reach. I try to grasp them, but the tips of my fingers brush the edges and they go tumbling off into ethereal fog and mist and slumber. This mood. Dreampains. Where I just want to be asleep and dreaming a magnificent glorious dream. I’ve always enjoyed dreams more than reality. Always. Why is that? I’d much rather be asleep, because the land of dreams is a beautifully absurd and absurdly beautiful place. I absolutely love it. Perhaps that’s why people take so many drugs. They just want to be dreaming. Even when I’m not feeling this way I know that dreams are in a strange sense greater, better. I love my dreams. I just watched a film. It wasn’t even a magnificent, fantastic film, it was simply a good one. I believe it has awakened my heart to another reality, an escape from my reality. My heart yearns for it. Even now I feel it aching and throbbing in my chest. It is a tangible feeling, not simply a thought in my head. It hurts in my chest as well and produces in my mind a vapid detached state of being, as though it were filled with mist. It wishes to be filled and fulfilled but knows that nothing here, nothing tangible can fill it. Only the void can fill the void. Only when I wake up to a dream will there be bliss. But I always am pulled back to this earth, bit by bit, when I arise, the harsh blatant reality surrounding me, crowding me, ejecting dreamplace from my being. And I long for dreamplace. Dreampains. I have nought to do but give in to the hideous truth reality hurls pushes molests rapes forces grinds into my mind my flesh my heart, the syrupy substance filling me up, the mistvoid that once inhabited me gone. And I feel it’s loss. Ever so much. Ever so.
